Conceived on both an epistemic/post-colonial theory level and legal/ethical/pragmatic level, I will propose a theory of data colonialism in humanitarian information communications technologies (ICTs). Through two case studies, the first case study by lawyer and humanitarian ICT practitioner Sean Martin McDonald concerning the use of Call Detail Records (CDRs) as a response to the Ebola epidemic in Western Africa in 2014 and the second case study by the associate director of the International Rescue Committee and former senior United Nations Peacekeeping monitor Grant Gordon concerning the use of satellite imagery as a means of monitoring genocide in Darfur in 2007-2008, I will demonstrate the relationship between central issues of data deluge, data disparity and data distortion have parallels in the colonial practices of the past including elitist hegemonic paternalism and the undermining of national sovereignty, benevolent modernization and technological experimentation (Raymond 2017, IDRG Keynote Speech, Leiden University, the Hague, Netherlands). Built on a shaky epistemic foundation of de-historicized technological solutionism, data colonialism in humanitarian ICTs will be compared with colonial modernity themes to restore a historical context that questions linear techno-historic/socio-cultural progression (Burns 2014). Further, central principles of humanitarian ethics such as do no harm will be used to provide an aperture for interrogation of technological solutionism and erode assumptions of scientific neutrality via quantifiable statistics and Debordian spectacle infographics. The thesis will conclude with an outline of possible remedies to restore an equitable, sustainable and legal social compact between affected populations, humanitarian organizations and corporate partners.